January

I am, for real, going to take down our Christmas tree today. If you take down your tree in January, it still counts as normal. Preferably, it should be the January most nearly adjacent to the December in which you purchased your tree. To get credit.

I mean, you’re not actually getting physical credit, no Amazon gift cards for normal, non-slovenly behavior. Ok, you get a major fire-hazard reduction, that is like cash on the barrel for Californians these days.

In therapy, one of my happy places that I visualize for EMDR is a big snowy Christmas tree grove. I’m pretty sure it's in the North Pole, because it’s the same scene they filmed in both Rudolph and Frosty only with live action. OMG live action Frosty remake. Please?

I always wanted to be Karen and have my own ear muffs and be skinny like Karen too. Whatever happened to that little rabbit that belonged to the magician?

I went to my overpriced functional medicine doctor who I love (in a platonic, fatherly way) and who I soon won’t be able to afford. Dr. Chen tested me for heavy metals, specifically in my cerebellum. Yes, through energy tests not, like a spinal tap. Don’t hate the woo.

Together, we are going to naturally and safely chelate my bones and my brain and guess what’s going to happen on the other side? I am going to be normal! And happy! And more coordinated.

I’m not currently falling down, exactly, I just accidentally bump into walls. A lot.

Speaking of old lady things I keep doing, yesterday, my son was home sick so I bought him a sandwich and I was rushing to get to work so I was like, I’m just going to leave my car running in the driveway here for just a sec and run in. Yes, my car’s been stolen twice. But lightning never strikes three times. And also, I’m going to be so fast.

But then I was rushing and realized I forgot (accidentally) to put my car in park before getting out and in one of those slow-motion time warp moments realized something was wrong when my car seemed to keep going even while I was no longer driving and thank god I’m a lazy person and I leave the trash and recycle bins in front of the garage instead of putting them in the side yard where they belong. Because my car just slowly crashed into our Recology bin instead of our actual house.

I was trying to think of a non-blatantly ageist stereotype to further my explanation, but I couldn't think of one. This is a bad sign of my probable early signs of dementia. Also, all of the old lady stereotype things are already coming true: I totally have to dye my gray hair, I can't see shit. I have to wear contacts and reading glasses. I definitely don’t see well while driving at night. I totally should never attempt to parallel park. I have a gigantic purse and am starting to develop this weird smell. Partially because I didn't take a shower today but I think also because I might be getting that old people thing where they smell bad. (I learned from google it’s because starting at around age 40, human bodies begin to subtly change the way that omega-7 unsaturated fatty acids on the skin are degraded. When the acids are exposed to air, it creates a smell, called “nonenal.” Even the word nonenal smells bad.) Not like my Christmas tree which is still pine fresh and happily flammable.

To the trash today, tree! Today!